I went on this cruise over the weekend for one night. I meant to write about it yesterday but laziness overcame me like a heavy, giant wave of water. And now, here I am, with other thoughts invading my brain, pushing away the memories of last weekend. I am now overcome with these thoughts and feelings I've come to grow familiar with. The same thoughts and feelings I felt when I left Canada in January. I am packing once again to leave Stockholm - but not for Canada. For France - but not for vacation. For studying. Here I am again, about to pack up a bit of my life into a suitcase. I thought it'd be easier than the last time, but it's proving to be just as difficult as it was 6 months ago. Oh, putting clothes, accessories and hygiene materials into one piece of luggage isn't as bad. The real difficulties lie with that feeling of leaving your comfort zone. Having to pack up the strength, courage, and determination once again to try to live in a place of unfamiliarity. I'd say I've grown quite accustomed to living in Stockholm. So accustomed that when I think about leaving Europe by the end of August, I think I'll actually feel homesick. This Friday will present my life with a new location, a new home, new sites to see, new people, and a "new" language. Except this time, I do it completely alone. I have to muster up all this courage and somehow find a way to suppress the nervousness, fear and anxiety. Is that even possible? The answer is no.
When I left Toronto for Stockholm, I had to pack up the strength, courage and determination, while the nervousness, fear and anxiety naturally stayed afloat. And they stayed afloat for a long while, even after I had already settled in. I feel like I've known about this following "epiphany" for some time (for years actually, when I first went away for a month to France 4 years ago), but it has only clearly and concisely formed in my mind now: strength, courage, determination, mixed with nervousness, fear and anxiety is just a recipe for excitement. I'm not talking about the excitement you feel about going to a concert, or about your favourite movie being released, or about going on tropical vacation. I'm talking about the excitement you feel when you finally get that job you've always wanted, or when you first have a child, or when you live off in another country on your own. The excitement that simultaneously makes you happy but also makes you scared shitless - scared shitless because you know you have to meet certain expectations. And shoot, if you don't meet those expectations, expect one hell of an emotional roller coaster.
Ps. I had an amazing time on the cruise.
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