Euphoria

Two Thursdays ago, I went on a 5-day trip to Calgary with two of my good friends to visit our other friend who was celebrating her 25th birthday. And somehow, I returned to Toronto as an engaged woman. There are no words that can express the euphoria that embodied my time with some of the best people I know.

On April 21st, I hopped on a plane with the expectation that this was going to be a girl's trip, spending long overdue time together while exploring Calgary and Banff. Little did I know, my (now) fiancé, with the help of my friends, planned out how his proposal would unfold. I later learned that my fiancé flew into Calgary on the 23rd, planned to propose to me on the morning of the 24th, and was to fly back to Toronto that very evening - he's crazy, I know.

My friends and I arrived at Lake Louise at 9am on the rainy and foggy Sunday (apparently, right on schedule). My friend living in Calgary had been to this lake multiple times before and told us she wanted our first glimpse of the lake to be from the best spot possible. So my other two friends and I walked along the lake with our heads down and umbrellas blocking the view of the lake. It turns out that this "best spot possible" was the spot my fiancé showed them of where he wanted to go down on one knee, and blocking our view of the lake until reaching that spot was to avoid me possibly spotting him. So we get to this spot and finally see the lake; I am stunned with its beauty - rain, fog, ice, and all. And I was amazed at how deserted this tourist hot spot was - we had the place to ourselves. My friends become eager to start taking solo photos of each one of us facing the lake. I take the first solo photo of one of my friends, and then I take the second, and then I take the third. I was the last to have my photo taken. So I walk towards the lake and just stare, astonished by the splendor of God's work. I hear my friend about to take the photo: "1.. 2.. 3.." And then in my periphery, I see a figure stand to my right, and all I can think is: "why the heck did this guy decide to stand right next to me when he should know my friend is trying to get a good photo of me?!" So I decided to wait until he would leave, but then I hear him say, "It's beautiful out there." I turned my head and right when I saw his face, I was overwhelmed with shock and elation. I could not believe my eyes - so much so, that it literally felt like I was dreaming. I turned to my friends and I see them smiling with their cameras out. I was instantly flooded with tears when my brain registered what was about to happen. I was in front of one of the most beautiful sites in the world, surprised by the most wonderful man, about to say yes to being his fiancé - it was all too much to take in at once. He spoke words of answered prayers and love - a life changing story that gave the Lord all the glory. How could I say no? We later had celebratory brunch and mimosas in downtown Banff, while they filled me in on how they planned the surprised. I could not believe how oblivious I was!

At this time last year, I never would've imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be engaged to the most incredible man that I've been blessed to have enter my life less than a year ago. After two months of meeting him, I knew he was going to be the man I'd be spending the rest of my life with. God has been so present in our relationship since the day we met, and has been working in us to ensure we seek Him first before all things. And in turn, we've experienced so much of his goodness and favour. The inception and growth of our relationship is nothing without our Saviour, and we can never give Him enough praise and glory.

After announcing our engagement, it was amazing to see the amount of love received from family and friends - some of whom have witnessed our bliss throughout, and some of whom I haven't spoken to in ages. It was humbling to learn how many people believed that I deserved this type of happiness and how much my fiancé and I deserve each other. On the other hand, it was interesting to hear words of doubt from others who know absolutely nothing about our relationship, nor our relationship with God.

My fiancé left that same night, and contrary to what some may think, the rest of the trip only went uphill from there. My girls and I continued to explore Calgary and Banff, and we witnessed so many beautiful sites together. We shared so many stories and laughs. After the trip, we realized that we became much closer than before - something I didn't know was even possible.

In my past travels, I've been to quite a few places and have spent time with amazing people from all over. But this trip, with these people.. it was literally life-changing. I'm getting married, folks!

I am amazed, humbled, and heartbroken in being a spectator of my grandparents' love for one another. My grandmother has dementia, and my grandfather has a case of perpetual patience. Today I have the privilege of looking after them, a blessing to me since I hardly get to see them because of school. I bring them their food, make sure they eat, take their medication, and ensure my grandmother doesn't have too much water because it causes makes her swell into a balloon.

After 73 years of marriage, I am so blessed to witness a love like theirs. As they eat, she nags him about rolling up his sleeves because they're getting into his food. After she asks him for water every other minute, he tirelessly explains to her that she can't have any because she has water in her lungs. He escorts her to the washroom every time she has to go and washes her once she's done. When she sifts through the garbage for no reason, he yells at her and forces her to wash her hands even though she doesn't understand why. When he sees she is falling asleep while sitting, he tells her over and over to just lie down - she doesn't. She starts sentences but doesn't finish them, and he doesn't mind. Unconventional acts of romance, yes, but a love like no other, nonetheless. Just now, he told her she's more beautiful than a rose.

I remember the memories of her having the strength to chase me around when I'd get into trouble at the age of 4, and relentlessly cleaning everything around her. Now I sit in front of her and she picks off spilt crumbs on her dress, listening to her blurb out random demands like, "Give me water!", "Don't step on that!", "You do your lessons!" - some of which make absolutely no sense what so ever.  I watch her weakly bring her feet up on the bed to lie down. I am overwhelmed with having to see this stark contrast of before and after.

I do my best to take care of her, and I'm positive she has no idea who I am anymore. She asks the same questions over and over, refuses to take her medication, rudely demands of impossible things to be done, but I cannot help but have immense patience with her. I understand that when a person has dementia, they are not always themselves. The disease takes over and can sometimes drown out who the person truly is. I am so inspired by the patience that my grandfather and aunts have had in taking care of her. They do so much in love and are caregivers of great resiliency.

Teddy from God

Last week, I completed my second-last semester of classes for my program. Today I completed my second day of placement - a placement in which I find joy, a placement in which I find passion. Each week in the last four months, I've had something to look forward to - something which fills me with gladness, something which fills me with excitement, something which fills me with love. In the past four months, I've witnessed everything in my life fall into place - like puzzle pieces coming together on their own without any assistance. Now the future is bright, even exhilarating. And just 5 months ago, I deemed my future to be broken. It's pretty miraculous, this revolution. Only something omnipotent and existential could be capable of such drastic change.

PS. Heart > Brain (who am I?)

Happy With A Secret, Part 2: The Aftermath

Liberty
Rediscovering self
Enlightenment
Mental and spiritual wealth

Conflicted
Bittersweet pace
Prophecy
God's work in place

Bewildered
Unmistakable truth
Nostalgia
Fountain of youth

Unintentional
Reconstructed course
Gentleman
Unquestionable source

Unaccustomed
Feelings so raw
Unfathomable
In perpetual awe

Refinement and Redefinition

After high school, I developed a strong passion for international relations after taking a course in world issues. It was my dream to “save the world”, and die trying to create my own personal human impact on world hunger, the sex slave trade, the drug trade, the arms trade, electronic waste, child neglect, etc. My ideal job would’ve been to work for world vision, or be in the UN, improving and enforcing just laws, or maybe perhaps one day become a political leader. This passion and dream slowly diminished over time after doing some research and realizing the real world is too corrupt. That’s not to say I don’t think it’s impossible to minimize these intense issues; the REAL issue is dealing with the politics behind policy making. The people at the top and many people in the UN end up being useless because of the politics behind their capabilities. So instead of pursuing international relations, I majored in psychology for my undergrad. I found psychology interesting and all, but it didn’t give me a clear direction in where I wanted to go career-wise. When I wasn’t doing schoolwork, or volunteering at the hospital or working retail, I was subscribing to a global civic organization to receive the latest news on world issues and signing online petitions.

When I discovered occupational therapy, I thought it was great that OTs can approach a problem specific to one person and change their lives forever. As a person who values making an impact on the lives of others, whether on a personal level or on a macro/meso level, I took pride in becoming an occupational therapist who could “save the world, one person with a debility at a time”.

As I was doing my readings for a couple of my courses, I intriguingly came across concepts of occupational inequality and occupational justice. Also, the other day, a friend of mine on Facebook posted what the Toronto subway system looks like to a person with a disability:

This is appalling and disappointing, and on the border of having shame about being from the city of Toronto. I can also attest that some of these “accessible” subway stations aren’t realistically accessible. For example, at Union station, it’s unbelievably jam-packed, making it hard even for people without disabilities to get to where they need to go. I can’t imagine the struggle for those using devices such as wheelchairs, crutches, or even guide dogs, to get through that crowd during rush hours.

This is what the TTC map looks like showing all subway stops:

Out of 70 Toronto subway stations, only 32 of them are accessible and this is a problem I don’t want this to be left unacknowledged. It dawned upon me that my passion for tackling larger issues at hand through improving policies can be transitted and implemented on a municipal level as an occupational therapist. And who knows – maybe I can eventually take this to a provincial or federal level, all the while having my own clients on the side to work with on a personal level.

It’s crazy to me how things have worked out. I went from wanting to improve issues on a macro level in high school (perhaps a bit of a naïve dream), to finding a new desire to help people on a personal level in my undergraduate studies (a more realistic dream), to now, in my graduate studies, conceptualizing a new goal to make an impact on policy making within my own city while enabling rehabilitation for my own clients (a grand but realistic dream). Mind you, I’ve only just begun this program in occupational therapy and I am very open to different options and possibilities in terms of where I want to be in the future, but this growing passion has allowed me to discover and re-discover continuously the excitement of becoming an occupational therapist. The possibilities are endless.

And so it begins..

Summer has ended. And a great one, at that. From having an Angeles family reunion, to trips to Chicago and Manitoulin Island, to my final days working with some of the best colleagues I've ever had. In June 2013, I graduated with an Honours BA. Til August 2014, I had the opportunity to work in a clinical setting that has helped me to grow immensely professionally. Now, a new chapter unfolds.

Tomorrow I begin the journey of becoming an occupational therapist! It's still difficult for me to grasp that my life is going in the direction that I've always hoped it would go in. I made my move to Kingston almost one week ago and I've settled in quite nicely. My place is great and inexpensive. I couldn't have asked for a better roommate. The weather has been absolutely beautiful. Kingston itself is gorgeous! The people have been super warm and welcoming. I have an amazing support system back home, cheering me on to succeed.

Yup, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

PS. The glory belongs to Him.

Took some time to think about this, to have it complete and clear in my mind.. to understand it whole-heartedly so that I don't make any regrets. And I think I've reached that point and have come to a conclusion. My acceptance into my graduate studies has not only allowed me an opportunity to have a career. It's allowed me to see into my future, to know where I'm going, to know where I want to be, to know how I want to live my life - and most importantly, who I want to spend it with. It's amazing how one letter of acceptance can create a rippling effect that can expand with time into realms of life I wasn't even prepared to think about. All I knew was the "here-and-now". That's how I wanted to live my life. 

Now there's this concept called "the future" that seeps into my brain, forcing me to figure out what it'll comprise of. Sure, I've fantasized about the future many times since I was a child - living in Paris, speaking French, married to Aaron Carter lol. But now, at 23, the future I fantasize about is actually feasible. I daydream about it and I can almost grasp it. Such a difficult concept for me to embrace, that for the first time, I know exactly what I want, and the life I'm so fond of is within reach. I'm truly blessed.